Did you hear about the guru who refused to let the dentist use novocaine to numb his mouth?The guru said he wanted to transcend dental medication.
Did you hear about the eyeglasses maker who moved his shop to an island off Alaska and is now known as an optical Aleutian?
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How are politicians and dirty dipers alike?- They both need changing for the same reason.
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Favorite Headlines"New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group"
"Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft"
"Kids Make Nutritious Snacks"
"Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy"
"Arson Suspect Held in Massachusetts Fire"
"Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood"
"Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half"
"New Vaccine May Contain Rabies"
"Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
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Arizona: A company called "Guns For Hire" stages gunfights for Western movies, etc. One day, they received a call from a 47-year-old woman, who wanted to have her husband killed. She got 4-1/2 years in jail.
Back to topSouth Carolina: A man walked into a local police station, dropped a bag of cocaine on the counter, informed the desk sergeant that it was substandard cut, and asked that the person who sold it to him be arrested immediately.
Indiana: A man walked up to a cashier at a grocery store and demanded all the money in the register. When the cashier handed him the loot, he fled -- leaving his wallet on the counter.
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Texas: A man convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9600 in damages rather than serve a prison sentence. For payment, he provided the court a check -- a *forged* check. He got 10 years.
A little girl asked her mother, 'How did the human race appear?'
The mother answered, 'God made Adam and Eve and they had children and then all mankind was made.'
Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.
The father answered, 'Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.'
The confused girl returned to her mother and said, 'Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?'
The mother answered, 'Well, dear, it's very simple: I told you about my side of the family, and your father told you about his.'
Back to topA dog is truly a man's best friend.
If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.
Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of your car for an hour.When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you?
Back to topThe Daily Gazette hired a recent graduate of the journalism college to write human-interest articles for the newspaper.
He decided to go into the West Virginia Mountains to do his research.
He found an old farmer's house along an isolated road and introduced himself to the man. He asked, "Has anything ever happened around here that made you happy ?"
The old farmer thought for a moment and said, "Yep, one time a neighbor's sheep got lost. We all formed a posse and found it. Then we all screwed it a little and took it back home."
"I can't print that, " the young reporter exclaimed. "Can you think of anything else that made you happy?"
"Yep, one time a neighbor's daughter got lost, so we formed a posse and found her. After we all screwed her real good, we took her home."
"Hell, I can't print that either," cried the frustrated reporter. "Has anything ever happened that made you SAD?"
The old farmer dropped his head and sit quietly for a few seconds. Then he timidly replied, "Yep, I got lost once."
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Forwarded from a friend who's doing student teaching this semester...
these are actual quotes taken from junior high students science tests....
* The dodo is a bird that is nearly decent now.
* A thermometer is an instrument for raising temperance.
* Geometry teaches us to bisex angels.
* The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.* To collect fumes of sulhpur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.
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This was told to me about three years ago by a friend who claims he works with the father of the "hero" of the story:
During Christmas break from college, the kid wanted to borrow his father's car to drive to a New Year's Eve party at his fraternity house. He lived in Massachusetts and the fraternity house was in Vermont. The father needed the car New Year's Day, and was concerned about the son hitting one of the roadblocks that police set up all over the place on New Year's Eve. The agreement that was reached was that the son would be allowed to use the car, but he would not drink at all. That was, of course, a big mistake on the part of the father, especially since the kid wasn't 21.
So he drove to Vermont, got completely trashed, and attempted to drive home. Just before he reached Massachusetts he hit a roadblock. There were a few other cars stopped already, so he was told to get out of the car and stand in a line of people that were being administered the infamous sobriety test. Somehow the policeman skipped him, and he was left standing off to the side while the people behind him were showing the police officer how well they could touch their finger to their nose, walk a straight line, etc.
At 7:00 AM his father got up to answer the doorbell. There were two state troopers there; one from Vermont and one from Massachusetts. They immediately asked him if he was the owner of <description of car>. He replied, "Yes, I am." One of the policeman asked him if he was driving the car the previous evening, and he said that his son had been the driver. The police officer asked to speak to his son.
When the kid found himself in front of the two state troopers, he knew he was in some sort of trouble. But he also realized that his blood alcohol level had come down considerably, and that he would pass any test they might give him. So upon questioning, he admitted that he was driving the car, that he had been in Vermont, but when asked if he had been drinking he said, "No!" When the policemen asked if they could see his car, the kid was unable to remember the drive, and was worried that he may have hit something or someone. He said that the car was out back under the car port.
And when the four of them walked out to look at the car, instead of looking at the car he had driven the night before, there was a Vermont State Police cruiser parked there.
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SENTENCES WHICH ACTUALLY APPEARED IN A CHURCH BULLETIN OR WERE ANNOUNCED IN A SERVICE
This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
Tuesday at 4 P.M. there will be an ice cream social. Will ladies giving milk, please come early.
Wednesday the Ladies Literary Society will meet. Mrs. Johns will sing "Put Me In My Little Bed" accompanied by the Pastor.
Thursday at 5 P.M. there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become Little Mothers will please meet the Minister in his study.
This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Jackson to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join her.
On Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the expenses of the new carpeting. All wishing to do something on the carpet, please come forward and get a piece of paper.
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
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9 Reasons Why Beer May Not Be As Great As Women.
- A beer bottle doesn't look any better with its labels off.
- Peeling off beer labels isn't as much fun.
- You can suck a beer at only one spot.
- Enjoying a beer involves a positive calorie intake.
- The bottom of a beer can isn't very interesting.
- You can't eat a beer.
- You can't buy a beer at 9AM on Sunday.
- There's a law about driving after having too many beers
- You have to be over 21 to enjoy a beer.
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One of my favorite jokes, a telling commentary on Jewish mothers' capacity to lay on guilt, involves the mother who gave her son two neckties on Chanuka.
"The boy hurried into his bedroom, ripped off the tie he was wearing, put on one of the ties his mother had brought him, and hurried back. "Look, Mama! Isn't it gorgeous?""Mama asked, 'What's the matter? You don't like the other one?'"
Back to topYOU KNOW YOU'RE FROM BOSTON WHEN...
You think of Philadelphia as the Midwest.
You think it's your God-given right to cut someone off in traffic.
You think there are only 25 letters in the alphabet (no R's).
You think three straight days of 90+ temperatures is a heatwave.
All your pets are named after Celtics or Bruins.
You refer to 6 inches of snow as a "dusting."
Just hearing the words "New York" puts you in an angry mood.
You don't think you have an attitude.
You always 'bang a left' as soon as the light turns green, and oncoming traffic always expects it.
Everything in town is "a five minute walk."
When out of town, you think the natives of the area are all whacked.
You still can't bear to watch highlights from game 6 of the 1986 World Series.
You have no idea what the word compromise means.
You believe using your turn signal is a sign of weakness.
You don't realize that you walk and talk twice as fast as everyone else.
You're anal, neurotic, pessimistic and stubborn.
You think if someone is nice to you, they must want something or are from out of town.
Your favorite adjective is "wicked."
You think 63 degree ocean water is warm.
You think the Kennedy's are misunderstood.
Back to topMore about Boston
WHEN WE SAY ________ WE MEAN...
Bizah - odd
Flahwiz - roses, etc.
Hahpahst - minutes after the hour
Hahwahya? - how are you?
Khakis - what we staht the cah with
Pissah - superb
Retahded - silly
Shewah - of course
Wikkid - extremely
Yiz - you, plural
Popcahn - popular snack
HOW WE'LL KNOW YOU WEREN'T BON HEAH:
You wear a Harvard sweatshirt.
You ask directions to "Cheers."
You order a grinder and a soda.
You follow soccer.
You eat at Durgin Park.
You pronounce it "Worchester" or Glouchester."
You call it "COPELY" square.
Frappes have ice cream; milk shakes don't.
If it's fizzy and flavored, it's tonic. Soda is club soda. Pop is dad. When we mean tonic WATER, we say tonic WATER.
The smallest beer is a pint.
Scrod is whatever they tell you it is, usually fish.
If you paid more than $6 a pound, you got scrod.
It's not a water fountain, it's a bubblah.
It's not a trash can, it's a barrel.
It's not a shopping cart, it's a carriage.
It's not a purse, it's a pockabook.
Brown bread comes in a can. You open both ends, push it out, heat it and eat it with baked beans.
They're not franks, they're haht dahgs. Franks are money in France.
THINGS NOT TO DO:
Don't call it Beantown.
Don't pahk your cah in Hahvid Yahd. They'll tow it to Meffa (Medford) or Slumaville (Sommerville).
Don't swim in the Charles, no matter what Bill Weld tells you.
Don't sleep in the Common.
Don't wear orange in Southie on St. Patrick's Day.
THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW:
There are two State Houses, two City Halls, two courthouses and two Hancock buildings (one old, one new).
Route 128 is also I-95. It is also I-93.
It's the Sox, The Pats (or Patsies if they're losing), the Seltz, the Broons.
The underground train is not the subway. It's the T and it doesn't run all night (fah chrysakes, this ain't Noo Yawk).
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